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Beautiful mess.

Things are so, so good. That’s what my last post said. And they are, they really are. I have an amazing boyfriend, I graduate in exactly one month (in theory), and next week is Thanksgiving. 

But holy crap, my life is a beautiful mess right now. My head spins 24/7. I have so much stuff going on I can’t even keep it all straight in my very unorganized day planner. In the next three weeks I’ve got so many school projects and assignments and requirements to fulfill, I don’t even know where to start. My grades this semester are actually decent, but I’m concerned that attendance is going to hurt me again. My biggest concern is about the volunteer hours requirements that I’m supposed to be fulfilling for RPTS 320 and for the Professional Event Management Certificate. If I don’t get the hours for PEMC, and if I don’t have either an A-C or B-B combination of grades in my two RPTS classes for this semester, I won’t get the certificate and I won’t be able to graduate. That’s a possibility I don’t even want to consider right now, but at the same time, if I AM graduating, there’s just that much more to do. Mom wants graduation announcements, I have to look into getting a cap and gown, hotel rooms, figure out who is going to be able to pick up the grandparents, etc, etc, etc. It’s just never-ending. 

It seems like my brain is just going non-stop, even when I’m asleep, and I’m having a hard time keeping track of things that I still need to do, and things that I’ve already done, and whether or not I’m forgetting something at the last minute (even though I’m usually not). It’s very stressful. I’m really, really ready for this semester to be over with. 

Totally switching tracks now - new favorite band. Imagine Dragons. Check them out. 

I’m old enough now I can see

time doesn’t change a thing. 

We’re all piecing together a dream

we may never see. 

I’ll spend all of my life

trying to somehow make sense

of a world I could never explain, 

I don’t try anymore like I did. 

I’m just doing the best that I can. 

-Streets of Gold, The Canvas Waiting

Moments of impact.

I’ve recently come to an Earth-shattering realization. Life is freaking complicated. 

And it probably always will be. There will never be a time when everything is perfect, when everything is uncomplicated. But that’s okay, because that’s the way it’s supposed to be. 

This weekend I watched The Vow. I admit, I’m a sucker for any cheesy chick flick, especially one that involves the potential for a sighting of a shirtless Channing Tatum, so I figured The Vow would be right up my alley. It was a little more than I bargained for. 

Some time ago, I wrote about how I’d been thinking quite a bit about little moments that make all the difference. The little things that happen that you don’t realize change everything. And that’s kind of the premise of The Vow. In the beginning, Channing Tatum is talking about a theory that he has about moments of impact. But what happens if suddenly, they’re all gone? All those little moments, erased in an instant? Then what?

It made me think a lot about where I stand right now. It made me think about what my moments of impact have been. What defines me. And what I’ve decided is that if I lost all of them, I’d be a very different person than I am today. If I woke up and could only remember who I was until say, age 19, I think I’d be shocked with the life that everyone told me I had now, at age 23. I don’t mean that I’ve fallen completely away from my morals or that I’ve had some random shift in the way I think in the last few years that has changed who I am, but I certainly have become someone I never thought I’d be. 

I’d like to think that I’m now more a free thinker. I’m more laid back than I ever was. I tend to do things almost impulsively, and I like that about myself. I have learned to take things in stride, to accept the present that I’m in, and do what I can with what I have. I have discovered also that I am not in the majority in this way. I think it is a positive attribute. I think I have learned more in my short 5 years here in College Station than I ever could have hoped to learn in a classroom. I think I have grown up considerably, but I still have a long, long way to go. 

I think that there have been many moments of impact for me. They have not all been positive, but they have not all been bad. If I woke up and remembered nothing after the age of 19, and I had the time I’ve spent in college to do over again, I don’t think I’d change a thing. Not everything has turned out the way I thought it would, and not everything has been a good decision. But I have no regrets, and I wouldn’t be the person I am, or even close to it, without each and every experience I’ve encountered. 

I can only hope that my next five years will be as eye-opening and teaching as my last five. 

"The moment of impact. The moment of impact proves potential for change. Has ripples effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together. Making them closer than before. While sending others spinning off into great ventures. Landing them where you’ve never thought you’ve found them. That’s the thing about moments like these. You can’t, no matter how hard you try, controlling how it’s gonna affect you. You just gotta let the colliding part goes where they may. And wait. For the next collision." - The Vow 

I know that all I ever post here is that I miss Drew. 

But really, I miss Drew. I ache. 

First communication since he broke up with me: I texted him to send my condolences after hearing that his Papa died. He responded, “It’s appreciated.” My family sent flowers to the funeral. From all of us. He texted the next day, “I wanted to thank you and your family for the flowers. And apologize for being short with you.” And that was it. Gone as quickly as it had come. 

There’s this new, really horrible thing….I dream about him. Every single time I fall asleep. And it’s always him, only him. I don’t dream about anything else anymore. This has been going on for over a full week now. It’s got to stop. 

I know that all I ever post is that I miss him. But writing it here keeps me from saying it out loud, or saying it to someone else who doesn’t understand it, and most of all, it keeps me from texting it to him. I would delete his number but it wouldn’t help because I know it by heart. Everyone feels the need to tell me when they’ve seen him. Or ask me who that girl was that was with him. Everyone wants to talk about it. Except for me. 

I just want to keep posting it on my tumblr so that I feel like I’m saying it but it does no harm. I just want somebody, SOMEbody to know how I really feel and not say anything about it. Just know. Not talk, not reason, not justify, not scold, not encourage. Just know. 

I miss Drew. I miss Drew so much I ache. 

Just know. 

"Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it’s the only person who will ever receive all of you. After that, you learn better. But, most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved; a piece no future lover could ever get, no matter what. That piece holds innocence, the belief that love really can last forever. It holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you’ll never forget, and that night under the stars you can never get back. It holds youth, and everything you thought love would be. Everything that was proven wrong."

-via wordsandlyrics

Today I am sad. More sad than I’ve been in a long time. 

Today is Drew’s birthday. 

I’ve been having a really hard time lately keeping him off my mind. I think about him every day. I think about him when I wake up, when I sit down in front of my computer, when I get in my car, when I see Nik, when I lay down in bed at night. 

I miss him so much. 

But I’m usually fine. I do a good job of being happy, not dwelling on it, keeping my head up. I go out, I have fun. I spend time with Nik. And it’s fine. But when it hits me, it’s like a freight train. One little comment, or picture, or inside joke, and I’m back at square one. I can’t breathe. Can’t think. 

Today it was this: I spent all day (since midnight last night) considering whether to wish him a happy birthday. I didn’t know if it would be well-received, or misconstrued, or simply overlooked. I finally decided I’d just write on his facebook wall (and his mom’s, because it’s her birthday too) and that way I wouldn’t be ignoring it but wouldn’t have to interrupt his time with Lauren and his family. Then I just had to remind myself for the rest of the day not to text him. Other than that, it was fine. Then I was at work, just watching movies and staying bored, and one of his mom’s friends posted pictures on facebook. Of him and Lauren and his mom at some kind of gathering, and of him and Lauren dancing. And I just lost it. I just sat here in the back office crying. I couldn’t pull myself together for anything. 

I’m so discouraged. I’m tired of Aggie Rings and graduations and parties and relationships and future plans and decisions. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of being involved. Tired of making an effort, of picking up pieces, of doing anything besides leaving my bed. I’m tired of trying. 

I’m tired of things not being what I thought they’d be. I’m tired of being proven wrong, and I’m also tired of being proven right. 

I feel more indifferent than I ever have. I feel numb. Not asleep but not awake, not dead but not alive. Numb.

What happens next?

[As a disclaimer, this mood is not entirely Drew-induced. It just doesn’t help.]

We’re just afraid, period. Our fear is free floating. We’re afraid this isn’t the right relationship, or we’re afraid it is. We’re afraid they won’t like us, or we’re afraid they will. We’re afraid of failure or we’re afraid of success. We’re afraid of dying young or growing old. We’re more afraid of life than we are death.
(via wordsandlyrics)
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